#GameCargoFitness and Monetizing Mental Health with Self-Insertion

I have accomplished a lot as of lately. One of my biggest achievements was not too long ago last year. I completed my first marathon after basically training by myself, every single day. That marathon was the ‘Fort4Fitness’ 2019. There’s a trail that’s walking distance outside of my apartment complex and a lot of runners use it, so before or after I finished my work, I would grab my iPod and hop to it. Two miles became four, four became six, six became ten. Ten became twelve, twelve became seventeen, until I reached the scheduled peak of twenty-two miles. Not only did I, but I still do find, running as a form of meditation, the thrill and dopamine rush of trying to beat my previously set record motivated me in unimaginable ways. I felt focused on reaching a finish line of life and other projects benefited from this “energy”.

The better that I take care of my body, the easier it seems to shape my mind. Currently, I’ve been putting a limit of thirty minutes to an hour on daily social media usage, finishing as many books from my collection for the 100 Book Challenge program, eating vegetarian/vegan, drinking more water, green tea, doing intermittent fasting, semen retention, sexual transmutation, and coitus reservatus. Which, to each their own. I find it works for me in channeling aggressive behavior and learning how not to be a slave to one’s own impulsive desires.

While alcohol is a proven depressant that’s also poison and many of us consume it for personal reasons, I actually stopped drinking due to being “wasted” on an airplane from having too many glasses of Hennesy at my Uncle’s. It was definitely a lesson that “scared” me from touching another drop again. Other than that, I’ve never partaken in drugs due to a lack of interest. I don’t like the feeling of not being in control and the potentially negative consequences of what would amount to a poor choice on my part. Drowning my thoughts out with loud music, when need be, has proved more beneficial when completing tasks. Even being sucked into a mind-numbing video game during a break from work or cleaning around does the trick for stress-relief.

Other than that, I’ve been doing a lot of self-reflecting in regard to relationships and entrepreneurship, which I wrote a relatively short article about and a few indescriptive tweets pertaining to a fallout that I recently had with an ex. One lesson that I had learned when I was younger and dealing with another woman is the volatile outcome of the push-pull cycle, which I had managed to avoid engaging in for years, until recently. After dealing with this done to me, I simply tried to move forward and never dealt with the underlying fear of abandonment that was internally caused. I just kept one foot out the door. Meaning: instead of actually communicating what was on my mind, I instinctively pushed away and allowed my emotions to make a final decision for me.

Ironically, this is the exact opposite of how I’ve always been perceived by women. Either I’m stoic or emotionless, and any tribute that I’ve given has always been deemed insufficient. The further the lengths that I go to please, the less of a man that I’m seen as. The middle ground becomes extremely unclear after the one year mark and increases in complications by factors that are out of my control. However, what is in my control is my evolution as a human being and once again, leaving a legacy to be proud of. I can’t count how many women have disclosed their fears of inadequacy when I looked at them as a partner of a journey, but what ground my gears, a week ago, was being painted as judgemental and uncaring in an attempt to absolve insecurities or issues that led to solvable dilemmas if they were communicated efficiently.

Such as mistakenly stripping a screw (I’m not going to get into the blowout from her that occurred due to that), I look for solutions and how to repair for the long-term. The appreciation of time devoted to doing that doesn’t usually go noticed. There’s always some comparison that I’m unaware of. Whether that’s to another man, couple, or media representation of how the mechanics of love should function.

One reason why I prefer respect at the end of the day. Everyone’s love is different. If I love, I’m not letting go, if boundaries aren’t irreconcilably crossed, and see it as coinciding with respect, but I’ve had the word “forced” out of me a multitude of times by people who confuse it for either confirmation of feelings or to encourage fond memories during a heated moment that requires open dialogue rather than an emotional bandaid.

I don’t seek external validation and appreciate companionship until it becomes a distraction. Distractions affect the mind and in turn, can weaken the motivation to upkeep the body. Which, I brainstorm when pondering the facets of happiness. I’ve only been told twice by two arguably similarly minded women that I made them unhappy by “being me”, and regardless of what I tried to do to make them happy, there was always something. Meanwhile, I was happy, however, they weren’t the exclusive reason. I fixate over what’s in my control. I prioritize what’s in my control. I adjust what’s in my control. As well-versed with human behavior that I am, I cannot control the thoughts or actions of people. The moment that I try to steer someone to my conclusion without there being a mutual understanding first, is when I become unhappy, because I know repetition might be abound. I accept this because no one is perfect, so being put on a pedestal of fantasy works against this logic when a man will be looked upon as a king or a scapegoat.

Influence matters more than meeting a standard. I can influence positively or negatively. I have influenced friends and family by pursuing what I desire without care. Over time and travels, this is what helped change my perspective on the meaning of a man’s purpose. A man loses his purpose when he allows others to dictate it. The keyword is dictate. Since I was a child, I’ve questioned everything and while those around praised me for it, others may welcome being micromanaged. I believe it was my grandmother who my father quoted when he said: “If you’re old enough to ask, then you’re old enough for the answer.” Granted, some answers are spoon-fed when we would like to dive face-first into the hot bowl of soup.

I was privileged enough to have a safety net that allowed me to “fail forward”. I recognize that others may not have been. Yet, I always exclaim that after a while, the past can no longer be used as an excuse. Keeping that in mind aids being self-analytical and helps promote therapeutic discussion, although delivering questions as a “therapist” is a hit-or-miss depending on the people and time. Personally, I tend to be open if intentions are to better my viewpoint.

I’m constantly bettering myself because being stagnant in life holds me back from not just financial, but internal freedom. Every stage that I complete is evident in characters written to the mirror where I am and the struggles that I face, otherwise known as self-insertion. The most extreme example of this is Ralph Conners, who is meant to embody all of my savage traits in a world where he can release my aggression under what amounts to be exercising the first amendment to gain commentary so that I can examine myself without prejudice from the average reader. The only downside is when I look back and I’m far removed from the views and beliefs that the protagonist held. This is what keeps me from mentally dumping in one story and spreading evolved perspectives throughout my career. This is why some characters need to die, such as Brian Griffin from ‘Family Guy’. They are no longer needed once the reason for their existence has dissipated.

It’s also cleaner than recording music under a persona that will be forever attached to a period. I consider myself a very creative lyricist, however, I cringe when I see how much time I put into vocalizing my frustrations towards aggravators that I would have moved on from, three days to a week later. I took pride over burning a bridge with a blowtorch concerning a frenzied exchange with DJ Lone Wolf HD, an old friend, but I didn’t gain anything other than a less-than prideful victory. I now see it as a dark road to take again and even subliminal shots require too much effort, plus time on my part. I have a lot less of the latter these days.

Therefore, stories that may seem very ludicrous, might also be deeply personal as well. I see what I have experienced as content to potentially monetize, and mentors have called that a “good habit”. I don’t desire to wallow in self-pity, as that leads to a corrupted nature. Any pain that I feel is there for a reason, and that is to use as fuel instead of allowing it to convert to a toxin.

All in all, if I’m not progressing, I’m not much good for those that rely on me for any reason or those who will rely on me, and selfishly speaking, they are an extension of the legacy that I’m building.