Blissful Solitude versus Taxing Relationships
‘I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men. ‘ – Nikola Tesla
I’ve never shied away from showing a public disdain towards the institution of marriage, as it has never benefited men for the longest, however, since my first monogamous relationship in my late teens, I’ve always calculated what I am losing in regard to committing myself to a romantic arrangement. I’ve never sought one out due to personal time constraints, which I’ve always communicated to my significant others, yet I’ve come to the conclusion that if my “mission” doesn’t align with the wishes of the other party, there is usually intended derailment of plans with the excuse of “unhappiness”.
I plan every action that I take in life and it seems that most choose to “live in the moment” or rely on momentary feelings to decide the next course of action and it’s become wearisome. This behavior often leads to the rationalization that I am at fault, even after encouraging open dialogue and the discovery of a mutually serviceable solution. I’ve always accepted terms of commitment on the basis of growth and communication. Not perfection, as that is impossible because ideals inevitably clash. Therefore, I’ve given opportunities and second chances for situations that don’t cross any boundaries with the expectation that I receive the same treatment. I’ve recently found that to be an unrealistic proposal.
It is either seen as a weakness on my part for wanting to accommodate my partner’s needs due to their belief that one can’t improve upon themselves for a peaceful existence or I’m unfeeling for refusing to acknowledge an onslaught of complaints when previous outings were passionate. I constantly feel as though what I contribute is never enough and mistakes that I do attempt to rectify aren’t taken into account. I always recognize that it’s taken a toll on me as an artist and an entrepreneur after the fact.
Contrary to the popular belief, I care too much about those that are close to me, and against my better judgment, I tend to lend myself as a support system when I’m capable of doing so. The problem is that only does it distract me from focusing on priorities that will build my legacy, other than a couple of people, I truly depend on creative outlets to express what’s on my mind. Men are taught not to vocalize their pain and many of us turn to destructive measures such as alcohol, drugs, sex, self-harm or violence. Personally, I’ve learned to find relief with exercise and meditation. My body, health, and mindstate are in my control. That choice cannot be taken away from me unless I “give” it away.
That provides me happiness, and my happiness has never depended on the progress of a relationship nor have I held a different of common interests against a partner. I don’t need to crochet in order to let someone I love eagerly explain the process to me, and what has bothered me the most as a creator is when my work isn’t released as soon as it should be, I’m looked as if I’m stagnant in my career. Though, for some odd reason, women that I know or have recently met are interested when they see the success that I’ve acquired.
“Kobe ’bout to lose a hundred fifty M’s Kobe my nigga I hate it, hate to be him Bitch you wasn’t with me shooting in the gym (Bitch you wasn’t with me shooting in the gym) ” Drake on ”Stay Scheming
Unless I ask for it, I’m never offered support. It could be as simple as a “How can I help you with [xyz]?” Meanwhile, I’m spending all-nighters wired on six cans of Arizona Tea RX Energy drinks as a self-employed freelancer with a cat on my lap. If work causes me to “neglect” a partner, I’m given a costly suggestion such as a road trip that I most likely will pay for because I don’t have any debts to cover and it’s assumed that I have no other obligations. Last year, I had to choose between that and training for the Fort4Fitness marathon. I chose the latter. I did very well.
It wasn’t the first time that I chose the pursuit of my goals over a relationship, and it won’t be the last. My happiness matters more than one being temporarily dissatisfied and I need to be satisfied with any sacrifices that I make. I’m not satisfied sacrificing my personal space or taking the time to gather a select few family members who are just as busy as I am so that insecurities are quelled. Based on my experiences, they never will be and more will be asked of me to “prove my worth”.
I stand by my evolution as an individual, my accomplishments and my work ethic. I only associate with likeminded people and I believe that there must be a reasonable exchange as far as what’s being brought to the table. Relationships are taxing if you allow them to be and I will continue to appreciate my solitude whether I’m in one or not.